You may feel unsure what to say when a Jewish friend, neighbor, or colleague is grieving a death. Religious customs, unfamiliar language, and the fear of saying the wrong thing can make the moment feel awkward.

Simple, honest wording helps because it honors the bereaved without adding pressure. A short, sincere phrase can offer real comfort and open the door to more practical support.

This article gives practical examples you can use right away, explains why this moment matters, lists things to avoid, and offers helpful tips for showing care in a respectful way.

Why This Moment Matters

When someone loses a loved one, they often face a mix of shock, logistical demands, and community expectations. In Jewish tradition, mourning includes specific practices like sitting shiva, reciting kaddish, and communal support, so words that acknowledge both the emotion and the cultural context can be particularly meaningful.

What you say can signal respect for the person and their family, create space for grief, and make it easier for them to accept help. Short, thoughtful phrases reassure the mourner that they are not alone and that practical needs will be met without awkwardness.

Useful Things to Say

Simple Responses

• I’m so sorry for your loss.
  A direct expression of sympathy that is universally appropriate and never intrusive.
• My condolences.
  Brief and formal; useful in written messages, cards, or texts.
• I’m thinking of you.
  Conveys ongoing care without demanding a response.
• Please know I care.
  Reassures the person that they are not facing this alone.

Supportive Responses

• Can I bring dinner or drop off something for shiva?
  Offers a specific, practical help option that is easier to accept than a general offer.
• Would you like me to come by during shiva? If so, what time is best?
  Shows respect for mourning customs and provides clear availability.
• I can handle errands or childcare this week—what would help most?
  Naming concrete tasks makes it simpler for the grieving person to say yes.
• If you want, I can call people or help share the arrangements.
  Practical support reduces emotional load and logistical stress.

Empathetic Responses

• I can’t imagine how hard this must be, but I’m here for you.
  Acknowledges the uniqueness of their pain while offering presence.
• This must feel overwhelming right now.
  Validates emotion without attempting to explain or fix it.
• It’s okay to feel whatever comes up for you.
  Normalizes a range of reactions and lowers pressure to behave a certain way.
• If you want to talk or sit quietly, I’m available.
  Gives permission for different kinds of support depending on their needs.

Light, Warm Responses

• I remember their kindness—I’ll be thinking of that today.
  Offers a gentle, specific memory without dominating the conversation.
• Sending quiet care and support your way.
  Warm and non-invasive; conveys compassion without physical contact.
• If you’d like company for a walk or a coffee, I’m here.
  Suggests a low-key way to be present that doesn’t require deep conversation.

(Use these only when the situation feels appropriate for gentle warmth; some recent or sudden losses may call for more restrained language.)

Faith-Based Responses

• HaMakom yinachem etchem b’toch sha’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim. (May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.)
  A traditional Hebrew condolence that many Jewish people will recognize and appreciate.
• May their memory be a blessing.
  A widely used Jewish expression that honors the deceased and affirms the value of memory.
• If you’d like, I can call your rabbi or help with arrangements.
  Offers practical assistance that respects religious structures and traditions.
• I’ll hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
  Appropriate when you know the person welcomes faith-based language.

(If you’re unsure about religious observance, offer support while asking whether faith-based phrases are welcome.)

What Not to Say

• Don’t say “I know how you feel”; it can minimize unique grief and shift focus to you.
• Avoid “At least they lived a long life” or similar minimizations that can invalidate pain.
• Don’t offer theological certainty like “They’re in a better place” unless you know the person’s beliefs.
• Avoid asking for gritty details about the death unless the mourner volunteers them.
• Don’t pressure them to “be strong” or to move on quickly.
• Avoid humor or overly casual remarks that can seem dismissive.

Helpful Tips for Handling the Moment

• Speak softly and clearly; your tone matters more than the exact words.
• Offer specific help rather than “let me know if you need anything.”
• Listen more than you talk; allow pauses and silence.
• Respect cultural and religious cues; ask questions if you’re unsure about customs.
• Be mindful of body language—gentle eye contact and an open posture signal presence.
• Set and respect boundaries; accept that the person may not want to talk right away.
• Follow up later—support in the weeks after the funeral is often most needed.

Final Thought

You don’t need perfect wording—sincerity and a willingness to help matter most. A short, respectful phrase paired with concrete support communicates care and respect during a very difficult time.

Let us know in the comments if this has helped or if you’ve got suggestions we can include

About the Author 

Helen Bach is a relationship expert and writer who helps people find the right words when it matters most. She studied English and English Literature at the University of Michigan, where she developed a passion for how language shapes love, conflict, and connection.

At whattosaywhen.net, Helen writes clear, down-to-earth advice on what to say in real-life situations—from first dates and tough conversations to breakups and makeups. Her goal is simple: to make talking about feelings less awkward and a lot more honest.