It’s common to freeze or laugh nervously when someone brushes a comment off with “I’m joking,” even if it landed wrong. This moment matters because the line between playful banter and hurtful speech is thin—and how you respond can protect your feelings, your relationships, and the tone of the room.

Why This Moment Matters

When someone uses “I’m joking” to excuse a remark, it can erase your experience and make it harder to signal boundaries. How you respond either reinforces that the comment was acceptable or shows that your feelings matter. In group settings the reaction also sets a social cue about what kinds of remarks are allowed. Responding in a calm, clear way preserves dignity and opens the possibility for understanding.

Short, Simple Things You Can Say

• “Actually, that felt hurtful to me.”
• “I don’t see that as a joke.”
• “Please don’t say that to me.”
• “I know you said it was a joke, but I’d rather you not.”
• “That’s not funny to me.”
• “Let’s not go there.”
• “I’m not comfortable with that kind of joke.”

Longer Messages With More Warmth

• “I know you meant it as a joke, but it landed in a way that made me uncomfortable. Can you not say things like that around me?”
• “I appreciate your humor, but that comment hit a sore spot. I’d prefer we avoid jokes about that.”
• “I get the intent might have been to be funny, but I want to be honest: it bothered me. Can we talk about why?”
• “Thanks for saying it was a joke, but for me it crossed a line. I value our relationship and want us to be mindful of those boundaries.”
• “I don’t think laughing it off fixes it. If you’re open, I’d rather we address what was said so it doesn’t happen again.”

What to Avoid Saying

• “Relax, it was a joke.”—dismisses your own feelings and invites minimization.
• “You’re too sensitive.”—turns the conversation on you and shuts down healthy feedback.
• “Oh come on, can’t you take a joke?”—escalates defensiveness rather than clarifying boundaries.
• Responding with mock aggression or another hurtful joke—can make the situation worse.
• Publicly shaming or humiliating the person in front of others—creates conflict rather than resolution.
• Ignoring it when you’re clearly upset—leaves the issue unresolved and can cause resentment.

Helpful Tips for Handling the Moment

• Use “I” statements to describe the impact: “I felt embarrassed when you said that.”
• Decide whether to address it in the moment or later in private, depending on safety and dynamics.
• Keep your tone steady and specific: name the phrase or topic that bothered you.
• Watch power dynamics—if the person has more power (boss, elder) consider documenting and choosing a safe approach.
• If the pattern repeats, be firmer: set a clear boundary and describe consequences (e.g., stepping away).
• Offer an opening for repair: invite a brief apology or clarification, but don’t feel required to accept one immediately.

A Note About This Particular Situation

“Just joking” is often used to test boundaries, cover embarrassment, or deflect responsibility; read the pattern, not just the single line. Consider the relationship and context—what’s acceptable among close friends may be different at work or in mixed groups—and tailor your response accordingly. If the comment reflects bias or harassment, treat it as a serious issue rather than a one-off misunderstanding.

Let us know in the comments if this has helped or if you’ve got suggestions we can include

About the Author 

Helen Bach is a relationship expert and writer who helps people find the right words when it matters most. She studied English and English Literature at the University of Michigan, where she developed a passion for how language shapes love, conflict, and connection.

At whattosaywhen.net, Helen writes clear, down-to-earth advice on what to say in real-life situations—from first dates and tough conversations to breakups and makeups. Her goal is simple: to make talking about feelings less awkward and a lot more honest.