It can feel disorienting when someone laughs and calls a comment a joke, yet the tone or history makes it clear they weren’t entirely joking. You might freeze, laugh too quickly, or worry about pushing back — especially if this happens with a partner, friend, or coworker. These short phrases and tips will help you respond calmly, check intent, and protect your boundaries when someone says they’re joking but not really.

Why This Moment Matters

When someone frames a hurtful or loaded comment as a “joke,” they’re shifting responsibility for its impact. How you respond affects trust, safety, and the tone of the relationship — whether it’s a casual friend, a colleague with power, or someone closer. Calling attention to the line between joke and seriousness can prevent repeated harm and clarify expectations. Ignoring it can leave you feeling dismissed or like your feelings don’t count.

Short, Simple Things You Can Say

• “Do you mean that seriously?”
• “That came across as hurtful, not funny.”
• “I’m not sure if you’re joking — can you clarify?”
• “Please don’t say things like that to me.”
• “If you were serious, I’d like to talk about it.”
• “I don’t laugh at comments like that.”
• “Hold on — I need you to be clear.”

Longer Messages With More Warmth

• “I know you like to joke around, but that comment landed in a way that bothered me. Can we talk about what you meant?”
• “When you say things like that and then call it a joke, I feel dismissed. I’d appreciate it if you could be straightforward with me.”
• “If you were trying to make a point, say it plainly — I can engage with that. If you were trying to be funny, it didn’t land, and I want you to know how it felt.”
• “I value our relationship, so I’m telling you this: jokes that imply X (example: ‘you’re being dramatic’) make it hard for me to open up. Can we avoid that?”
• “I’m bringing this up because I don’t want small comments to build into resentment. Were you serious or joking, and can we agree on boundaries?”

What to Avoid Saying

• Don’t respond with another joke that minimizes your own reaction — it teaches the other person you’ll absorb the behavior.
• Avoid immediate accusations like “You always do this” in a way that escalates; focus on the specific comment and its effect.
• Don’t gaslight by saying “You’re too sensitive” as a way to dismiss your feelings.
• Avoid public confrontation if the setting makes it harder for the other person to hear you; it can backfire and shift sympathy.
• Don’t ignore your discomfort just to keep the peace; that often allows the pattern to continue.

Helpful Tips for Handling the Moment

• Ask a neutral clarifying question (e.g., “Do you mean that?”) to give them a chance to be honest without immediate judgment.
• Use “I” statements to describe the impact (e.g., “I felt hurt when you said that”) — it keeps the focus on your experience.
• Consider the relationship and power dynamic: a joke from a manager or family elder may require a different approach than one from a close friend.
• If you can’t address it in the moment, follow up privately later when things are calmer.
• Keep a record or note patterns if this happens repeatedly, especially at work — patterns matter if you need to escalate.
• Trust your instincts about safety: if a comment feels threatening, prioritize your safety and seek support.

A Note About This Particular Situation

“Joking” can be a way to test limits, deflect responsibility, or normalize hurtful attitudes — so context matters. Notice whether this is a one-off misstep or part of a pattern; your response can vary accordingly. Setting a clear boundary early can prevent escalation and communicates that your feelings are valid.

Let us know in the comments if this has helped or if you’ve got suggestions we can include

About the Author 

Helen Bach is a relationship expert and writer who helps people find the right words when it matters most. She studied English and English Literature at the University of Michigan, where she developed a passion for how language shapes love, conflict, and connection.

At whattosaywhen.net, Helen writes clear, down-to-earth advice on what to say in real-life situations—from first dates and tough conversations to breakups and makeups. Her goal is simple: to make talking about feelings less awkward and a lot more honest.