Hearing “you wouldn’t understand” can feel like a closed door — suddenly the conversation shifts from connection to distance. In moments like this, a few steady, respectful words can reopen the door or gently accept the boundary without escalating things. This article offers short responses and slightly longer ways to show curiosity, care, or respect when someone says “you wouldn’t understand.”

Why This Moment Matters

When someone tells you “you wouldn’t understand,” they may be protecting themselves, signalling shame or frustration, or guarding a private experience. How you respond can either deepen trust or widen the gap: a brusque reaction can feel invalidating, while a curious one can invite explanation. This line often masks complexity — identity, past hurts, or sensitive details — so handling it with care preserves the relationship and honours the other person’s limits.

Short, Simple Things You Can Say

• “I’m sorry — I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”
• “Help me understand, if you want to share.”
• “I respect that — I’m here if you change your mind.”
• “I can try to listen without judging.”
• “I might not fully get it, but I want to hear you.”
• “Okay — do you want a different kind of support instead?”

Longer Messages With More Warmth

• “I hear you. If talking about this feels risky, I understand. If you ever want someone to listen without fixing things, I’m here.”
• “You know your experience best. I don’t want to assume anything, but I care about how you’re feeling and I’m open to learning when you’re ready.”
• “I’m sorry if I came off as dismissive. That wasn’t my intention. If you’re comfortable, I’d like to understand what this feels like for you.”
• “It sounds like this is complicated and maybe painful. I don’t expect to fully understand, but I want to support you in the way that helps you most — what would that be?”

What to Avoid Saying

• “Yes I do,” or “No, you’re wrong” — arguing ownership of the experience escalates conflict.
• “Why are you being so dramatic?” — minimizes their feelings and shuts down trust.
• “Everyone goes through that,” or “It’s not a big deal” — those comparisons reduce what they’re saying.
• “You’re just being sensitive” — blames the person for their emotional response.
• Pressuring them with “Come on, tell me” — makes them feel coerced instead of respected.

Helpful Tips for Handling the Moment

• Pause and check your intent: are you curious, defensive, or trying to fix things? Lead with curiosity and humility.
• Use “I” statements (I’m worried, I want to understand) instead of assuming or invalidating their experience.
• Offer alternatives: say you can listen, help find resources, or simply give space — let them choose.
• Watch body language and tone; a soft, steady voice invites sharing more than a rushed, insistent one.
• Respect boundaries. If they decline to explain, acknowledge it and follow up later with a gentle offer of support.

A Note About This Particular Situation

“You wouldn’t understand” often signals something personal — identity, trauma, or complicated feelings — rather than a literal claim about your ability to comprehend. Avoid assuming the phrase is an attack; it can be protective or defensive. Being patient, offering nonjudgmental openness, and letting the person control the pace will usually serve the relationship best.

Let us know in the comments if this has helped or if you’ve got suggestions we can include

About the Author 

Helen Bach is a relationship expert and writer who helps people find the right words when it matters most. She studied English and English Literature at the University of Michigan, where she developed a passion for how language shapes love, conflict, and connection.

At whattosaywhen.net, Helen writes clear, down-to-earth advice on what to say in real-life situations—from first dates and tough conversations to breakups and makeups. Her goal is simple: to make talking about feelings less awkward and a lot more honest.