When someone asks for understanding, they’re often making themselves vulnerable and hoping you’ll meet them partway. This moment can feel fragile — both for the person asking and for you — because it asks for empathy without erasing reality. Saying a few steady, clear words can keep the conversation safe and honest.

Why This Moment Matters

Asking for understanding usually signals that someone wants connection, not confrontation; how you respond shapes whether they feel heard or shut down. Your words can validate their experience and preserve trust, or they can unintentionally minimize what the person is trying to communicate. This exchange also sets the tone for future interactions: it can open a path toward repair and clearer expectations, or it can deepen distance. Responding with both compassion and clarity helps protect both people’s needs.

Short, Simple Things You Can Say

• I hear you.
• Thank you for telling me that.
• Help me understand what you mean.
• I can see this matters to you.
• I want to be fair — tell me what you need from me.
• Give me a moment to take that in.

Longer Messages With More Warmth

• I can tell this is important to you. I may not fully understand yet, but I want to, and I’m here to listen without judgment. Could you say a bit more about what happened?
• I appreciate your honesty. I don’t want to dismiss how you feel, and I also want to be honest about what I’m thinking. Can we talk about what you need from me right now and what I can realistically offer?
• That sounds really hard — thank you for trusting me with it. I might make mistakes as I try to understand, but I’m committed to listening and learning from you.
• I want to validate your experience and also make sure we’re clear about boundaries going forward. Let’s name what understanding looks like in this situation so we both know where we stand.

What to Avoid Saying

• “You’re overreacting” or other phrases that minimize their feelings.
• “I know exactly how you feel” when you don’t — it can shut down real communication.
• Immediate defensiveness or turning the conversation into your own grievance.
• Lecturing or giving unsolicited solutions when they’re asking for empathy.
• Saying “It’s fine” or “No big deal” in a way that dismisses their experience.

Helpful Tips for Handling the Moment

• Pause and breathe before replying; a brief silence shows you’re considering them, not dismissing them.
• Use open questions: “Can you help me understand what you need?” or “What would feel helpful to you right now?”
• Reflect back what you heard: “So you’re saying…”, then ask whether you understood correctly.
• Decide whether you can offer empathy in the moment or if you need time; it’s okay to say, “I want to give you my full attention — can we talk in 30 minutes?”
• Maintain boundaries: you can show compassion without accepting harmful behavior. State limits kindly and clearly.

A Note About This Particular Situation

When someone asks for understanding, they aren’t always asking to be excused — often they want acknowledgment that their experience matters. It’s important not to conflate empathy with endorsement: you can validate feelings while still addressing consequences or boundaries. Finally, remember that asking for understanding is a step toward connection; how you respond can either encourage honest dialogue or cause the person to withdraw.

Let us know in the comments if this has helped or if you’ve got suggestions we can include

About the Author

Helen Bach is a relationship expert and writer who helps people find the right words when it matters most. She studied English and English Literature at the University of Michigan, where she developed a passion for how language shapes love, conflict, and connection.

At whattosaywhen.net, Helen writes clear, down-to-earth advice on what to say in real-life situations—from first dates and tough conversations to breakups and makeups. Her goal is simple: to make talking about feelings less awkward and a lot more honest.